A note to the lonely, queer, and afraid.
Dear Jordon,
It’s me, Jordon. Yup, from the future, year 2020 to be exact. I’m sure you’re wondering how I have the time to write you a letter because we had big plans about where we would be by now. For starters, my therapist suggested I write to you, yep a real therapist. Most people don’t have the same stigmas about therapy that you have now, but I still haven’t told mom and dad about her. Also, I just have a lot of free time in 2020, honestly the whole world has a lot of extra time right now but I won’t spoil that for you, I wouldn’t want to mess up the timeline too much.
I’m hoping this letter reaches you right before your fourteenth birthday. If it has, by now your heart is racing, because you’re hoping it’s not about that thing. You know, the thing you haven’t told anyone yet. Well Jay, there is no white picket fence, you didn’t marry Micayla, we’re 28 and we don’t have kids, we honestly don’t know if we want them but we make an amazing uncle. You’re crying already, just know that hasn’t changed, I’m crying too. Well, we’re two paragraphs in and I haven’t said it but brace for impact, bud.
In January of 2016 we came out to the family as gay; it was just as hard as you’re imagining it. Dad didn’t do a full exorcist but he did think we might be controlled by “evil spirits”. If I remember right, you’re thinking that might be the case too, I promise you – it’s not. I’m sure you’re shaking, scared, and full of questions but I want you to know you’re so loved; both in your time and mine. You have amazing friends in every season life throws at you. I wish I would have realized that sooner, lean on them. It’s okay to not be okay, plus later in life they all admit that they knew you were gay anyway.
Last year you went to the youth conference where you briefly heard you can be straight if you pray and try hard. I’m sorry but that’s not how it works. Unfortunately by now the seed has been planted in you, and you want to give it the best shot you can. You want so badly to be normal and happy, but I promise you the world has already changed so much by 2020. We still have a long way to go, but gay people are more and more often being viewed as normal, because we are normal. Jordon – you’re normal. In 2020 gay folks have families, there is a whole TV series about a gay high school student and it’s super popular, gay people even run for president; and this community will not stop fighting for our rights until we are equal in every aspect of life.
You’re stubborn, so I’m not sure this is going to stop you from trying really hard to love a girl, and I don’t blame you. Please just hear me out. In the process of striving for heteronormativity, you lose yourself, without even knowing it. If you continue down this path, for the next ten years you will slowly bury yourself under a pile of self hate. It’s worse than that. You’ll lose years that you can never have back, you’ll tell so many lies, that it’ll take you years to find truth again.
You won’t mean to, but you will hurt people really bad, because that feeling in your gut that you’re gay isn’t going to go away, and living a double life is dangerous for you and the people you let in along the way. You will also develop this really unhealthy habit of trying to please your dad, only to be let down when you realize you’ll never be the person he wants you to be. Maybe I just confirmed your biggest fear but it’s actually okay, because you find out life is so much better when you aren’t living it for him, or anyone else.
Should you come out now? When you’re ready. I’ll tell you this though, you’re more ready than you think, and you won’t regret it. It will be so hard, but you won’t be alone. One thing I’ve noticed is the gay community is a family, gay culture is being there for another LGBT member simply because it feels like home, like safety. I’m confident even in your little town you’ll find that somehow, mostly because believe it or not, several of us have come out as gay. Authenticity always has a way of surprising us, don’t be afraid.
The family will be hard, I can only hypothesize how they would have reacted in high school because I wasn’t brave enough. I can promise things won’t be the same, but they do in their own way love you. Your sisters will eventually be the best allies you could ask for. Mom, like most moms, wants you to be happy. She is going to be shocked and she wont be perfect, but just remind her that your happiness is a value to her, and she’ll come around. By coming out now, you’ll learn faster than me that sometimes we get to choose who our family is. I’m confident you will be drawn to the right people to help you through life until the family is ready. No matter what, don’t do conversion therapy, years of studies show it doesn’t work and causes a lot of damage, and the whole point of this letter is to try to limit damage.
This is a lot, so I just want to say, God didn’t mess up with you, you’re not a mistake I need you to know that. God loves you. The church is the farthest behind when it comes to the gay community in 2020, but don’t lose faith because we still think Jesus is pretty cool.
Oh Jordon, I think about you all the time. I wish I would have done so many things differently. I wish I would have learned to love myself sooner, I wish I would have believed them when they told us honesty is truly the best policy. Maybe you can do it better. Maybe you’ll be more brave than me, more vulnerable, more authentic. Maybe you’ll have a high school boyfriend, instead of awkwardly trying to impress women and your friends. Just be true to yourself, because you deserve to be happy, I need you to know you deserve that.
Love,
Jordon
PS – If this wasn’t enough to break up with Micayla, break up with her anyway, she moves to Idaho and meets someone else.
f is for friend 